Destination Unknown

Obedience can be a tricky thing.

I've been doing a lot of waiting and listening the past few years. Lots of waiting. So much waiting that I have often wondered whether I'm totally missing something. (I know, I know, a few years isn't really that long, and some people are asked to wait decades, or even lifetimes. But it has seemed like a long time to me.)

Then several weeks ago I found this intriguing job posting, and I got excited. As I thought more, I began seeing all the ways my experiences and decisions were converging on this one point. Closed doors and disappointments of the past were suddenly filled with purpose: to lead me to this job at this time. And as I prayed about it, and began the paperwork, God lined up circumstances to clearly confirm that yes, I was to apply.

Finally. No more sitting around.

...And then, I remembered. All those closed doors and disappointments of the past? They had looked like open doors and possibilities precisely because the experiences and decisions of the years before them were converging. I had seen God providentially lining things up and confirming that yes, that was what I was supposed to do.

But, you know, I think that God in fact was providentially lining up circumstances and events in all those cases. And I think that all those "disappointments"--rejected applications and canceled trips and changed plans--were not because I had heard Him wrong in the first place or because He sadistically likes to string me along and then yank away the prize at the last second. I think they had more to do with me not understanding what it means to obey.

When God clearly tells me to do something--"apply for this job" or "move to that city"--I often hear what I assume will be the result of my obedience, as well. It's like I assume such explicit guidance must be leading to the obviously best outcome. ...Obviously best as I see it, that is.

Apparently I'm not very good at seeing what the real "best" is, though. Because more often than not God points me towards Destination A, only to veer me without warning a couple steps later towards Destination B. Or K, or Z. Or even &, which is not only unexpected but on an entirely different dimensional plane, which I hadn't known existed.

So. I've applied for this job in a faraway state. Does this mean I will get the job? I don't know. Does this mean that if I'm offered the job, I will take it? I don't even know that. I just know that God said "apply". That one step.

So I took it.

I've already thought of several reasons He may have had me apply for this job even if I'm not supposed to get it. Several Destinations B-Z, as it were.

And I'm still preparing myself for another Escher-esque moment where I take a step through a doorway and find myself upside-down and breathless on the ceiling of Destination &.

I don't pretend to understand God's will for my life perfectly, even in the small steps. I often feel like I'm in darkness, alternating between stumbling around aimlessly and standing very, very still. The insanely comforting thing, though, is that God knows that I'm confused and finite and impatient, and He's got me anyway. He consoles me in my disappointments even though He knows He's working out something inexpressibly better than the "best" I thought I wanted. He remembers that I am dust, and still chooses to love and lead me.

It's just that He tends to lead me one step at a time, while I try to obey in miles.

So praise Him again for His patience and re-direction. And here's to small steps of obedience--in and through and with Him--towards unknown destinations.

...Embracing the wave, hey?